NAB(89)

Vitals

National Australia Bank (or NAB) is the largest financial institution and bank in Australia - both in terms of net worth and customers. It is one of the world's top 30 financial services companies with total assets of $457 billion. It operates across 10 countries serving 8 million banking customers.

NAB once paid a bar bill after a company outing with 30 000 pennies.

The Letter

To Whom It May Concern,

My name is Timothy Crane Sinister and I am 10 and I live in Canada. In Canada I live in Montreal. Mrs Forbes is making the class write letters to businesses in countries aruond the world to find out about working in other countries. I found out about Australia by google, and that in Australia your bank is the biggest! Is your bank bigger than a mack truck though? alex and i want to ride in a mack truck and take it to mcdonalds drive through becuase we would say big mac truck to the drive though person when we did our ordering. i have to ask you questions about your bank. where is your bank? does it have a lot of money? where is Australia located? we are suppose to ask if you can send teeshirts or hats or other pomo items so we can use them to talk about your business to the class. here is our addres.

the haligonian school for children
xxxxx
montreal quebec
xxxxx
canada

Cisco(90)

Vitals

Cisco Systems is a multinational corporation with more than 63,000 employees and annual revenue of US $35 billion. Headquartered in San Jose, California, it designs and sells networking and communications technology and services under five brands, namely Cisco, Linksys, WebEx, IronPort, and Scientific Atlanta.The name "Cisco" was derived from the city
name, San Francisco.

Cisco still lives with his mom and dad.

The Letter

To Who It May Concern,

My name is Tim Sinister and I am 10 and I live in Montreal that is in Canada. We are doing jobs that we like for class and the job that I like is internet technology specialist. I like your company becuase you make internet technology and I would like to work in your company. alex wants to know if you hire me if he can come to becuase he likes technology to and he went to california once becuase his dad got a job but they had to move back to montreal becuase his mom is not allowed to be in america anymore becuase of her driving. Mrs. Forbes says we have to ask our companies to send pomo items like hats or teeshirts that I can where when I talk about cisco to the class. here is our address.

the haligonian school for children
xxxxx
montreal quebec
xxxxx
canada

Unilever Responds

Hi Timothy,

Thanks for checking out AXE for men. Guys around the world have been using AXE for years - and now it's time for men in the North America to personally experience the AXE effect.

Not your ordinary deodorant, AXE gives effective deodorant protection and outstanding fragrance for under arm and all over body usage. Axe comes in a Body Spray, Anti-perspirant/Deodorant, Deodorant Stick, Shower Gel and a Shower Scrub. These varieties have many types of fragrances to suit our consumers needs.

Unfortunately at this time we do not have an t-shirts or promotional items to send out.

Thank you for your interest!

Your friends at Axe

******

Interesting. Timothy didn't write Axe directly, but the world headquarters of Unilever. So, somebody read the letter, determined it was about deodorant and forwarded it to the appropriate department - Axe. There are also a couple of typos in the letter "in the North America"?

Manulife (91)

Vitals

Manulife Financial Corporation is a major Canadian insurance company and financial services provider. Although its global head office is located in Toronto, Ontario, with its Canadian Operations based out of Waterloo, Ontario, Manulife has worldwide operations, most notably in the United States (through its subsidiary, John Hancock Insurance) and in 19 unique Asian countries and territories. Manulife Financial is the largest insurance company in Canada.

Manulife Insurance agents where dark suits and sunglasses, and you will know them by their trail of puppies and candy rainbows.

The Letter

To Whom It May Concern,

My name is Tim Crane Sinister and I am 10 and I live in Montreal. Mrs Forbes is sick today and we have to write our emails becuase we can do that without her. Our project this summer is about companies and i want to do mine on insurance becuase you can get money. My dad says he pays a lot of money for insurance but when he gets killed we will get a lot of money. can i get insurance on my friend alex? where does insurance come from? can my class visit your company? it says on our sheets that we have to ask you to send pomo items like hats and t-shirts that we can use to tell the class about your business. here is our address.

the haligonian school for children
xxxxxxxx
montreal quebec
xxxxxxxx

Tim Sinister

Bank of Nova Scotia (92)

Vitals

Scotiabank, the trademark name for The Bank of Nova Scotia, is one of Canada's Big Five banks. It is the third largest bank in Canada by assets (behind the Royal Bank of Canada and TD Bank Financial Group), and the second largest by market capitalization (behind Royal Bank of Canada). Bank of Nova Scotia have more branches outstide of Canada than any other Canadian Bank.

All the tellers at Scotiabank are women, and 65% of them have beards.

The Letter

To Whom it May Concern,

My name is Tim Crane Sinister and I live in Montreal and in 3 months and 3 days I will be 11 years old. My class is going on a trip to Nova Scotia for the summer term but alex isn't allowed to go becuase he stole our hampster again and wont tell Mrs Forbes where he put it. My project will be on banks and I want to know about your bank. Is there a lot of money in Nova Scotia? I have been saving my government money to buy carmen a stuffed piping plover i saw in the store with all the old things. Mrs Forbes says I should ask if you could send me any hats or teeshirts so I could where them when i talk to the class about bank of nova scotia instead of my acdc australian tour 1975 teeshirt I always wear. here is our address.

the haligonian school for children
XXXXXXX
montreal quebec
canada
XXXXX

tim sinister

Intels Form Letter

Hello Tim,
Thank you for contacting Intel(R) Education Initiative. Our ability to contribute resources is limited in comparison to the number of requests received. Therefore, our guidelines focus Intel’s giving to programs targeted in specific strategic areas and we are unable to respond to general requests. If you would like to learn more about the Intel(R) Education Initiative initiative and free tools and resources, professional development opportunities, and other programs, please visit: [site]

You may want to contact your nearest public relations office for further assistance. They may be able to assist you with your request. You can find contact numbers for public relations within our various community pages via our web site at: [site]

Again, thank you for your interest in Intel.

Sincerely,

Jennifer S.

Intel Customer Support

*****

A form letter. Clearly, you didn't even read Tim's letter. You get an A for promptness though, a two hour turnaround.

Intel (93)

Vitals

Intel is the world's largest semiconductor company and the inventor of the x86 series of microprocessors - the processors found in most personal computers. Founded on July 18th, 1968 by semiconductor pioneers Robert Noyce and Gordon Moore, Intel combines advanced chip design capability with a leading-edge manufacturing capability.

Intel likes to put on women's clothing and prance around his apartment when nobody is looking.

The Letter

To Whom It May Concern,

My name is Timothy Sinister and I am 10 and I live in Montreal which is in Canada. I am writing to you becuase Mrs Forbes is making me write to you to ask about computers. I like computers becuase carmen will talk to me on the cam but wont talk to me in class unless it is about birds. I also don't like computers becuase they get full of everybodys germs and I have to touch them which is why I only like to use mine. How does your computer work? Is it full of technology? How long does it take to make a computer if you only have one person? Mrs Forbes says I should ask if you could send anything like pomo items like hats or teeshirts that I could where while I talk to the class about intel. here is our address.

the haligonian school for children
xxxxxxxxx
montreal quebec
xxxxxxxxx
canada
tim sinister

TD Writes Back

Hello Tim,

Thank you for writing us about your summer term project.

Your best option would be to visit the branch nearest you for assistance. For your convenience, branch contact information can be located on ourwebsite here: [site]

I'm also pleased to advised that all information that we are able to provide to students in regards to TD Canada Trust is published on our websites. Please visit our web sites here: [site]


I hope this direction is helpful. Thank you once again for writing.

Best regards,
Anne Internet Correspondence Representative

*****

Blah. Anne, that was pretty freaking boring. The worst one yet. Tim poured his heart out to you, and you gave him the company letterhead.

Unilever(94)

Vitals

Unilever is a multi-national corporation formed of Anglo-Dutch parentage. Unilever owns many of the world's consumer product brands in foods, beverages, cleaning agents and personal care products. Unilever employs nearly 180,000 people and had a worldwide revenue of almost US$62 billion, in 2005.

Unilever hasn't lost touch with their Mom & Pop routes; from putting to work the unwanted offspring of Dutch prostitutes and Nazi soliders, to those Axe commercials (true), Unilever is our kind of people.

The Letter

To Whom It May Concern,

My Name is Timothy Sinister and I am 10 years old and I live in Montreal. I keep having to do projects on things and this time we got to pick so I picked deodorant. Is deodorant and body spray the same thing? alex and i chased each other with the raid body spray we found by our school, but it got in his eyes and he had to go to the doctor and miss class for a week. is your company making deodorant for boys and girls? is your company in holland becuase holland is a good country? Mrs Forbes says that you are a big company and that i should ask you to send any pomo items like hats or teeshits that i could use to show the class when I do my report on deodorant. here is our adress.

the haligonian school for children
xxxxxxx
montreal quebec
xxxxxxx
canada

tim sinister

Toronto Dominion Bank (95)

Vitals

The Toronto-Dominion Bank is headquartered in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. It is one of Canada's Big Five banks, being the second largest bank in the country by assets (behind RBC), and the third largest in market capitalization behind RBC Royal Bank of Canada and Scotiabank.

TD Headquarters also doubles as a clown college on Wednesday and Saturdays after 3pm.

The Letter

To Whom It May Concern,

My name is Timothy Crane Sinister, and I am in grade 5 and I live in Montreal. For summer term, we are doing projecs and alex and I are doing it on money. alex says he cant go to TD bank becuase the sign is green but I like TD bank and I get to choose the bank becuase alex isnt allowed to go to the bank since he hit Mrs. Forbes with his head. Has you bank ever been robbed? Do you keep gold in your bank or just money? Has your bank ever run out of money? My dad ran out of money and he had to go to the bank and get more but they wouldnt give it to him so we had to go to ant junes for dinner. Mrs Forbes says you are a big bank and I should ask if you have any pomo items you could send so i can have them when i do the report. here is our address.

The Haligonian School For Children
xxxxxxxx
Montreal Quebec
xxxxxxx

tim sinister

Boeing Writes Back

Dear Timothy Sinister,

I hope Mrs. Forbes can help you with this. The best source of information on The Boeing Company is our public Web site. Try clicking on "About Us"; also, you can find a great deal of information using the search tool.

Here are some of the sites you can access. As I'm sure you can imagine, we get hundreds of requests for souvenirs, photos, models, blueprints, stickers, interviews and help with term papers and college projects. While we would like to be able to help each person who writes us, we have neither the time nor the resources to be able to do so.

We have included the most frequently-asked-for information on our web site. You can find information about our airplanes.

[he goes on to list a wack of websites here, I am sure very useful]

You can print it in hard copy if you wish. We receive thousands of requests for various forms of research assistance every year.

We simply do not have the resources to accommodate these requests without a corresponding business case. I hope you understand our position.

Thank you for your interest in Boeing.

Sincerely,

Walter Polt For the Boeing Webmaster

*****

Well, Walter, you clearly read the letter, and that was pretty decent of you, and your response was verbose if nothing else. That said, it was slightly stiff - you need to learn how to communicate with kids better. No hats? Cmon! Boeing can spare un chapeau pour un petite Montrealer.

Nissan Motor(96)

Vitals

Nissan Motor Company, shortened to Nissan, is a multinational automaker headquartered in Japan.

It formerly marketed vehicles under the "Datsun" brand name and is one of the largest car manufacturers. The company's main offices are located in the Ginza area of Chūō, Tokyo.

If you pray really really hard to Nissan, your ancestors will come back from the dead.

The Letter

To Whom It May Concern, My name is Timothy Crane Sinister and I live in Montreal and I am 10 years old and I am doing a school project on automotive industries. Carmen got to do birds becuase birds are the only thing that carmen will do and also my dad is helping me. How fast do your cars go? My dad got two cars becuase he has to go away a lot and mom needs to take me places and to school. Mrs. Forbes says that automotive industry is a lot of jobs and i was wondering if you could give alexs dad a job becuase alexs dad is sad all the time. Do you have any cars that go faster than a porch? Mrs. Forbes says i should ask if you have any pomo items like teeshirts or hats you could send that i could where when i am talking to the class. this is our address.

The Haligonian School For Children
xxxx xxxxx
Montreal Quebec
xxxx xxxxx

tim sinister

Lehman Bros Holdings (97)

Vitals

Lehman Bros Holdings Inc. (NYSE: LEH), founded in 1850, is a diversified, global financial services firm.

The firm's worldwide headquarters are in New York City, with regional headquarters in London and Tokyo, as well as offices located throughout the world.

One day, Henry Lehman found a money tree growing on his neighbours cotton farm. The rest, they say, was six dead Joneses, and the Lehman Brothers got their money tree.

The Letter

To Whom It May Concern,

My name is Timothy Sinister and I am 10 and I live in Montreal in Canada. We are doing a project on the stock market and I want to know about the stock market in your company. Yesterday alex said suck market and everybody laughed but mrs Forbes said that she already told him to stop saying suck all the time but everyone always laughs becuase it is always funny. My dad says the stock market is for greedy evil men is that true. i don't think so, becuase my uncle norris has lots of money from the stock market and he even got a new wife that is way more nice and pretty then the old one since he got all of the money. how much does it cost to buy stock in your company? is it a long time since someone bought stock in you company? mrs Forbes said that you are a big company and that I should ask you to send any positional items like hats or teeshirts so I could wear them when i talk about lehman brothers to the class.

The Haligonian School For Children
XXXXX XXXXX
Montreal Quebec
XXXXX XXXXX

tim sinister

Commonwealth Bank Responds

Dear Tim,

Thank you for your recent email to the Commonwealth Bank's Email Support Team.

I apologise for the delay in responding to your email, we are currently receiving an unusually high number of enquiries. I have today forwarded your email to our Sponsorship Team, for their attention with regards to your request for promotional items. You will be contacted directly.

Unfortunately, due to confidentiality some information is considered commercially sensitive to the Bank and is not really accessible to the general public. The information available on our Website is the only information that can be provided to you. I wish you good luck on your project, and stay away from those Carpenter twins.

Yours sincerely,
Franca

****

Wow. A personal response! Thanks Franca. Like any guy will tell you, no future love can ever really compare with his first, and you are my first.

Carrefour Group(98)

Vitals

Carrefour SA is a French international hypermarket chain, with a global network of outlets. It is the second largest retail group in the world in terms of revenue after Wal-Mart. Carrefour operates mainly in Europe, Brazil, Argentina, Dominican Republic and Colombia, but also has shops in North Africa and Asia.

Carrefour means "virginity theft" in French.

The Letter

To Whom It May Concern,

My name is Timothy Crane Sinister and I am 10 and I live in montreal in Canada. We are doing projects on food in other countries. I used google to find out about your store sells food all over the world and helps people. My friend alex needs a lot of help to and I help him sometimes but last week we got in a fight when he showed carmen something but i don't like it when he shows her that. Do you have a lot of food in your store? Did you ever have to close your store because somebody ate all of the food. Do you like it when people buy your food or do you wish you could eat it all? Mrs Forbes says you are a big company and that maybe you have emotional items like hats or t-shirts that you could send me so i can where them when i show my report to the class. this is our address.

The Haligonian School For Children
xxxxxxxxxx
Montreal Quebec
xxxxxxxxxx

tim sinister

Commonwealth Bank (99)

Vitals:

Founded in 1911 by the Australian government, the Commonwealth is second only to National Australia Bank (NAB), and is one of the 'big four' Australian banks, the third and fourth being ANZ and Westpac.

The Commonwealth Bank is now the second largest Australian listed company on the Australian Securities Exchange.

The Commonwealth Bank built it's fortune by stealing from widowers and forcing orphans to toil in their money caves.

The Letter:

To Whom It May Concern,

My name is Tim Crane Sinister and I am 10 years old. I live in Montreal which is in Canada. We are doing a project on banks and I asked if i could do my project on an australian bank because my favourite country in the world is Australia. Mrs Forbes said that would be ok and how do you stop all the money from being stolen? My friend alex keeps his money in his helmet because the Carpenter twins stole his money once. Where is your bank? How long does it take to count all of the money in the bank? Australia is my favourite country becuase Indian Jones is my favourite movie and Indian Jones is from Australia. Mrs Forbes said I should ask if you could send any promotion items like hats or t-shirts so i could wear it on presentation day. this is our address:

The Haligonian School For Children
xxxx xxxx
Montreal Quebec
xxxx xxxx

tim sinister

****

next up: Carrefour Group (France)

Boeing(100)

Okay, here we go!

The top 100 companies in the world (according to Forbes magazine) are going to be getting letters from from one Timothy Sinister, a ficticious 5th grader from Montreal.

Just squeeking in at number 100 is Boeing, so they are first on the hit list.

Boeing's Vitals:

The Boeing Company is a major aerospace and defense corporation, originally founded by William E. Boeing.

Boeing's international headquarters is in Chicago, Illinois, U.S. Boeing is the largest global aircraft manufacturer, and the second-largest aerospace and defense contractor in the world. Boeing is the largest exporter in the United States.

The Letter:

To Whom It May Concern,

My name is Timothy Crane Sinister, and I am 10 years old and I am in the 5th grade and I live in Montreal in Canada. Mrs Forbes is making me do a report on aerospace because I said she should go live on the moon. My friend alex is doing it with me becuase he laughed but he is isnt very good at writing reports becuase of his special needs so I have to do most of the work and do this email.
Can you tell me about how good it is to have aerospace in America? Can my class visit the Boeing factory. How much does it cost to buy a plane. Has anyone ever died in a plane trip? Mrs Forbes said I should ask if you have any hats or t-shirts or promoting items you could send because Boeing is a big company and it would be fun for me and alex to have hats.

here is our address:

The Haligonian School For Children
xxxx xxxxx
Montreal Quebec
xxxx xxxx

Timothy Sinister

****

next up: Commwealth Bank (Australia)